Its been a few weeks of ups & downs.. Really irritating to be perfectly honest!
For instance –
On Wednesday last week, I picked up my monthly supply of med’s (cant get them any more often due to the sheer amount of them) and there’s a new girl in the Chemist, probably late 20’ish. She printed off all my repeat prescriptions – looked at them, looked at me, looked at them again – Went to speak to the pharmacist, who in turn looked at me, smiled & sent her back to me, to get me to sign them.
As she came over, she smiled at me sheepishly, looked down at the floor, then back at me & then in front of a packed chemist, laid down the 6 prescriptions (for 16 items in total), passed me a pen and said –
“I am diabetic, so I understand taking medication everyday”..
I smiled back and started to sign the backs of these pieces of paper that hold me prisoner – But that’s not the end of this conversation – She then said (As she grabbed my hand)
“BUT I really can’t believe the amount of tablets you take at your age, I mean you don’t look 50 at all – but, seriously – you look really good for someone so sick”…
WELL – For a backhanded compliment it was up there with – “Shes not all that great looking but she has a great personality” or “I love Curvy women, at least you must really love food” or “You’re pretty for a Fat girl”…
The pharmacist looked mortified & the people behind me in the queue looked a bit “Shall I laugh – Shocked”.
Me, I just said
“If you think it looks bad on paper – wait till I get the bag in a few minutes, That’s why I look OK, the exercise from carrying this lot home!”
You see, if you don’t laugh at yourself, things get awkward, not just for you, but for everyone else… This girl didn’t mean anything awful, she genuinely seemed a bit shocked.
So that was my great trip to pick up my bloody meds!
Then when I get home, I have a letter from my Housing Association – The court ordered repairs (2010) are still not finished and even though they were court ordered and event though I’ve been decanted 3 times and spent over £8000 of my own money replacing my property that’s been destroyed while I’ve been decanted (vandals who broke in once & the HA who “voided” my home in error once) – Now because the HA has again been sold to another Landlord, that Landlord is refusing to honour the repairs. So my home is Almost fixed, But not quite finished.. It may seem petty BUT I’ve waited since 2003 for this… 14 years… and there are still outstanding issues… Oh the joy of being a Social housing tenant… Apparently we get loads of free stuff according to the press lately.. Well maybe someone is, I certainly ain’t!
Problem is, I really haven’t got the energy to go through the courts again.. That plus my Doctor would have a fit if she even caught whiff of this on top of everything else…
Which leads me on to the next bit – My Dr is trying so hard to get me onto medication no 17, this time for depression.. Although she says I am not exhibiting the classic “see it straight away” signs, BUT she cannot believe I am not depressed.
You see, many studies link fibromyalgia and depression.
In fact, people with fibromyalgia are up to three times more likely to have depression at the time of their diagnosis than someone without fibromyalgia; The stress from fibromyalgia’s pain and fatigue can cause anxiety and social isolation as chronic deep muscle and tender point pain can result in less activity which causes you to become more withdrawn from family and friends (you think?)… It is also possible that anxiety and depression are part of fibromyalgia, just like the pain.
However – personally, I believe that if I am depressed its with good reason!
I’ve ghosted – faded, a very very different person to the one I was 4-5 years ago & that in itself would be enough to push many “over the edge”…
But I’ve also had other issues to deal with, a homeless, elderly mother with fast onset dementia to re-house & manage daily; a massive globally know company that has caused me issues that The ICO & Ombudsman have taken on, on my behalf due to them completely ruining my credit file; my home being ruined by damp & the council removing & destroying all my possessions; my small business I started literally the year before the Fibro took hold, stalling and never quite being the beautiful thing it could be because I’m so ill; being a working single parent, juggling a house, kids, work, issues and then waking up one morning in absolute agony for no apparent reason, but Dr’s taking almost 3 years to diagnose me……. So yes, I feel if (and that’s a HUGE if) I am depressed its justified & warranted.
In all honesty It’s hard to deal with an illness when the people around you don’t understand what you go through on a daily basis & in my journey I have dealt with doctors, friends & family members that don’t even bother to hide their contempt & even dismiss my symptoms & daily struggles with a “you’d feel better if you exercised more” or a “Maybe you’d feel better if you lost weight”.
Seriously? I used to play football & tennis, I swam & walked to work (7 mile round trip) before I became ill – if exercise helped, surely I wouldn’t have got ill in the first place & on the “lose weight” argument… I eat like a rabbit, hate sugar & don’t do fizzy drinks/alcohol.. I do however have 4 tablets in my daily routing where the side effect is weight gain – so I wonder why I am putting on weight? (Sarcasm).
So tablet number 17 is sitting on the side in the kitchen, not in my meds box.
(My meds box is actually a Stanley tool box from B&Q hahahah)
I’m not going to take the anti-depressants – I’m gonna sort my life out.
Well – I’m gonna try!
Till then – the world will be seen through #Snapchat filters lol.