Brushing off the old me.

I’ve not posted in a while.. to all looking on, I’m HAPPY, healthy, have a diary  full of social engagements and a multilateral Friendverse…

But the last 4 months of 2017 have been tough. My “Happy” mask has been almost permanently on and it’s become draining.. I am exhausted… 

I’ve had great highs but also, ink black, freezing cold, chasm sized lows… 

And being single and running a B & B ( not literally, that’s just how having adult children living with you makes you feel), I have had no one to talk to… 

I’ve been called into the doctors twice as I’ve missed appts – I promise you it wasn’t deliberate, I just couldn’t face it… the “upping” of doses of painkillers and the push to take anti-depressants is enough to make anyone fed up.  As said before I am well aware of my depression, however I wear it proudly as I have every right to be depressed! I do not want to numb myself to it… I sometimes revel in it… I think of the path that got me to it and truly belueve a lesser robust person may not be here any more… 

Herein lies my angst today… it’s New Years day and last night was New Years Eve – the most hateful evening in my personal calendar… the evening when the children I gave up EVERYTHING for ( personal dreams and ambitions), worked myself ( literally) into an early grave to keep housed and fed, leave wothout a second thought  and party with the man who left us with debts and the threat of losing our home almost 15 years ago… they go every year for the last 5-6 years ( since the kids have become “fun” to be around, He wouldn’t have spent a second with them on NYE in their teens) and it’s painful. 

But that’s not all… 

It’s the whole shabang that has me at this point today… I’ve been up early, Fed the dogs and cats, washed up, tidied up and gone out to get my mum’s shopping like a good little Cinderella….( an old and fed up Cinderella)… 

This is pretty much my regime at the moment and one the kids seem to think is my remit….

But That will change this year..

I’ve been looking at emails ( over 40) from people wanting help feom Celeb FC… the non-profit I run ( as a way to keep me busy and productive)… some are heart breaking and again singledom doesn’t help the matter… oh to have someone to talk these through with…

But I’ll sort them and get it all done…

I’ve been too easy on people – I think I’ve built people up so much ( both personal contacts and celebs who have supported the charities we help) that they have felt powerful and have begun to treat me with contempt…

Whether this is a conscious decision or not I dont know, I choose to believe  its subconscious.. 

I know changing the habits of a lifetime ( post illness life) will be difficult BUT I will persevere
2018 will be different..  it will! 

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