Yesterday I was tired, in pain and had a whammy of brain fog. BUT I had a funeral to attend so the ghost got dressed & put on her “ME” suit and went.
I was at a funeral & was all masked up as “ME” – I had to hide the real me, the ghost with that poxy illness – You know the one, the thing that some people still believe doesn’t exist – adding to the the stigma that permeates, that its a sort of made-up disease with the purpose of allowing lazy people a “get-out” clause.
Anyhow, make-up was on, and I was among friends, many of whom commented on not seeing me for a long while. My usual come-back materialises now when that arises, “ahh, sorry, I’ve been so busy with work & charity stuff, I just haven’t had time for anyone, I will try more”.
That’s “ME” – The one with the mask… The mask of working & of choice. Both of which I do not have…. Both of which I crave ………………
If anyone really knew what had happened to “ME” I think I would die of embarrassment… Be honest what sort of sad, decrepit person leaves a funeral half way through because their legs & back hurt so much from sit / standing during a Mass? What sort of decrepit, sad, stupid person looks at faces, recognizes them, knows them, talks with them but can’t even call their names to the front of their brain?
I felt bloody terrible leaving, I felt I was a let-down, ashamed as I crept away, leaving my wreath with another guest to take to the crematorium. “ME” lasted all of 2 hours…… The Ghost clawed her way into her car & drove home in shattered silence, hastened through the door & collapsed…
Yesterday I faded away into nothingness for a good 4-5 hours…
I was a complete let down.
IT’S A terrible way to live….
Actually most days – This isn’t a Life………………………
Behind The Scenes - Life as a Spoonie 
Err . . . just to add touch of humor . . . since you asked “What sort of decrepit, sad, stupid person looks at faces, recognizes them, knows them, talks with them but can’t even call their names to the front of their brain?” . . . uhhh I do that ALL the time, LOL!!!! And I can’t even use fibro fog as an excuse. I was always bad with keeping names and faces together (I can remember one or the other by itself). 😛 On a more serious note though, I hope you find some peace. I am sorry to hear of your constant struggles. It is not easy to put on a face and live a lie when others around you don’t support the real you. There is nothing wrong with knowing your limits and leaving while you have enough spoons left to still be able to drive yourself home. You’re a trooper for even attempting to do all that you do!!! I don’t think you’re pathetic at all . . . you’re a fighter who knows when to lay down the arms and surrender. And that takes some real courage and strength of soul. I suspect you’re awesomer than you give yourself credit for. 🙂
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Awww Thank you x
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